Monday, May 4, 2009

Phantom Lives

The words on the page of Alan Moore's Watchmen were almost making too much sense. The scene is this, Dr. Manhattan (a.k.a. blue dong, nickname thanks to seaniemack) on the surface of Mars reliving/reviewing his time on Earth. Because he has become timeless, he shifts back and forth in years, perhaps in simultaneous selves. This scene struck me deeply, not just because we all do this/feel this from time to time. Our memories sometimes come through deep and real, like waking dreams, phantom lives. But, I think this scene struck me for the feeling that my time filter is totally off, lately, and the pressure of my future plans and past mistakes has been considerable and constant in each moment. Most of us are not able to completely remain in the moment. I have been working on staying in the moment for a long while, perhaps my choice of words there illuminates something.

I'm guessing this overwhelmed feeling has much to do with my brain recovering from the intensity of my yearly tangle with a big event, the research symposium. It probably doesn't help that another class of amazing over achievers are graduating from the Honors College. The odd thing is that I had recently felt I was gaining some ground against my anxiety and making headway to reach the current moment. Suddenly, it seems like my mind is saying, here you are again watching your life go by, you really need to do something, DO SOMETHING, NOW!

Ah, the feeling of facing my mortality as well. I lost a friend my age this year and was diagnosed with my first real health problem. Seems like I got the "ADULT" stamp, somewhere appropriate like my ass. Lord knows, I know, that none of this worrying helps. And, there's also this unexplainable feeling that those things are bearing down on me right this instant. That I need to make a choice right now to make certain things happen, it's just that I don't know what to choose. I can't see around the corner like Dr. Manhattan, nor do I really want that.

So, here I am tangling with myself. There is a part of me that wants to do the visualization people suggest to make your future the best it can be, part of me that wants to set out a detailed plan and step by step it there, and part of me that wants to chill in a hammock, big time. How Manhattan of me, I must say. Have to remember that I can draw blueprints for my design, but I don't have the tools, yet, to make it all happen. That's the journey, that's the fun, right?

No comments:

Post a Comment