Phantom Lives

The words on the page of Alan Moore's Watchmen were almost making too much sense. The scene is this, Dr. Manhattan (a.k.a. blue dong, nickname thanks to seaniemack) on the surface of Mars reliving/reviewing his time on Earth. Because he has become timeless, he shifts back and forth in years, perhaps in simultaneous selves. This scene struck me deeply, not just because we all do this/feel this from time to time. Our memories sometimes come through deep and real, like waking dreams, phantom lives. But, I think this scene struck me for the feeling that my time filter is totally off, lately, and the pressure of my future plans and past mistakes has been considerable and constant in each moment. Most of us are not able to completely remain in the moment. I have been working on staying in the moment for a long while, perhaps my choice of words there illuminates something.

I'm guessing this overwhelmed feeling has much to do with my brain recovering from the intensity of my yearly tangle with a big event, the research symposium. It probably doesn't help that another class of amazing over achievers are graduating from the Honors College. The odd thing is that I had recently felt I was gaining some ground against my anxiety and making headway to reach the current moment. Suddenly, it seems like my mind is saying, here you are again watching your life go by, you really need to do something, DO SOMETHING, NOW!

Ah, the feeling of facing my mortality as well. I lost a friend my age this year and was diagnosed with my first real health problem. Seems like I got the "ADULT" stamp, somewhere appropriate like my ass. Lord knows, I know, that none of this worrying helps. And, there's also this unexplainable feeling that those things are bearing down on me right this instant. That I need to make a choice right now to make certain things happen, it's just that I don't know what to choose. I can't see around the corner like Dr. Manhattan, nor do I really want that.

So, here I am tangling with myself. There is a part of me that wants to do the visualization people suggest to make your future the best it can be, part of me that wants to set out a detailed plan and step by step it there, and part of me that wants to chill in a hammock, big time. How Manhattan of me, I must say. Have to remember that I can draw blueprints for my design, but I don't have the tools, yet, to make it all happen. That's the journey, that's the fun, right?

Flashback

I found out today that someone I know has a very ill family member. Out of fear and love, her family chose not to tell her the truth about the situation, right away. Knowing what I know now, I find that things done by others to "protect" us may not indeed do that. She is younger as I was when this happened to me, and I remember being angry, perplexed and sad. "Why would they do this to me?" she asked. My first response to her was the obvious, "they are protecting you." My mind flew back to last week when a baby jay had fallen or been "encouraged" out of the nest. My boyfriend told me of the situation as he returned from walking one of our hounds. I was upset, flustered, and felt compelled to intervene. What if ants, or worse cats, attacked the darling thing?

When I got outside, I saw the fluffy, blue birdie on the sidewalk. I also saw, or rather heard, several adults. It was surprising to me as I don't think of blue jays as the nicest of birds. There they were perched above it on different sides alternating between chirping, checking on it and keeping alert for cats or other dangers. One would flit down and then back up as if to say "Here's how you do it!" Thinking of intervening, I knew my intentions would be unclear to the jays. I decided to let the bird be and to go on with my day, to let those in the position to help do so. I felt good about that decision, somehow wise.

Real Simple (one of my favorite magazines) did a recent survey of mothers and many said they should have let their kids fail. I'm starting to agree. It is much easier to fail when you have someone right there to pick you up and dust you off, than say when you get out in the real world. Then, you might just jump off the financial branch and fall like a chick in chain mail. I always admired the parents of one of my college friends who gave her money to pay her bills and walked her through the process. I'm thinking that either way, the key word is support, including good communication, to raise responsible adults.

And, I have to say that I am glad, though the cautious parents didn't tell her right away, she now knows what's going on. I'm glad I had some insight to offer her. In my own situation, I've come to see why my parents did the same thing and have forgiven them. Now, I ask them tell me what's going on. They can't protect me anymore; I'm already flying.

Welcome!

I am very pleased to welcome you all to my blog, share. In it, I will explore themes and thoughtlines that shake up in my life from time to time. Mainly, I hope to amuse, begin dialogues, and refresh you in a way that only something delicious can do. Please share.

Love!
pen*